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Since we're broken up, I'll try to make sure I don't bring up too much emotion, but it's gonna be for hard me. I can't say I'm very happy about the break up. I'm glad I asked the question, and that we were honest. But I'm kinda upset it took me asking the question for the problem to be revealed. What if I never asked? We would still have broken up? I feel decieved, and betrayed, and sad. I feel like 4 years of my life was kinda a lie. Was I ever really in love with the real you or just the you that you thought I would love. Was I just dating a fragment of you? Idk, I don't feel like I have closure. Isaiah told me Tori talked to him about us breaking up Tuesday at school. So it sounds like you decided to break up before we really had a chance to discuss our problems. I mean that's fine, that's your decision. I just thought we were gonna talk about fixing it. I'm not trying to point the blame. I just need to vent/explain/write out what's coming through my head. I don't even really need you to read this, I just need to write it. I hope you read it, but that's not why I'm writing this. I still love you. And I hope it's the real you. And I hope we leave the door open. I honestly thought at worst we were just gonna take some time apart and then see where we are. I still wanna try. Not right away, I think we both need to rethink ourselves. I never wanted to hurt you, though I was pretty big headed on certain topics. And you know, if you wanted to get back together, I would never ever bring up pot again. It's not that important at all to me, all things considered. I still love you, and I don't give a shit if it's pathetic or if your secretly fed up with me. That's how I feel, and I think you should know. I would like to see where you are at in a month. And I know we didn't set up anything as far if we were gonna stay friends or not, but I'll always be down to talk, even if it's not about us.  

Time Away, Time Together.

Last year was tough for me. It wasn't bad, but that first semester was pretty depressing and discouraging. I didn't really know what to expect. And I wasn't sure what was gonna happen to us. For a bit there I almost thought we were gonna break up. You said that you were losing feeling. And honestly, I was too. At that moment we could have easily called it quits, if I would have been totally honest. I didn't say I was feeling the same way because I was too scared of what my life might have turned into; how lonely I would have gotten. It was kinda selfish, but I'm glad I didn't say it. I think getting past that initial down point was good for us. And that this year will be even easier. I willing to put in the effort and not let it fade away. Which is why we started doing this thing in the first place. I just want us to be honest with each other. And I don't wanna be lazy with the love we have. :). Whether our time is away or our time is together I wanna be good to it, and I wanna be in it for the long haul. 

This trip turned out nice

Chris,

I'm happy that I got to see fall out boy with you. Although the trip went into a disaster spiral it still came out okay. 

We got to spend time together. I'm sorry I got irritable. I was just tired of all the driving and not finding anything hotel wise. 

I'm glad we got to walk around in a nice town and see some pretty scenery. 

I'm mostly happy about being alone with you for 48+ hours and having fun. 

You are a pretty man :) I love you! 

-Alisha 

It's been awhile

Well, it's been a month since our last note. I'm sorry I'm not keeping up with it, but this whole 55 hours a week thing isn't treating me too well. What is the retirement age again? 30 right? I've realized there is no way I would happily do this for the rest of my life. I don't know how your parents do it, but kudos to them. I really need to start making more time for us. I love you. And I want to fit as much of us as I can into this summer. Maybe we can go on that Ohio trip after all. Or just go to a big city and spend a night in a hotel and get away from it all. My parents are thinking about renting a lake house during July 4th week. We could probably spend time there too. 

If you check the post time you might wonder "why the heck are you up at 2 on work day," it's because I fell asleep at 6 and woke up at 10. I can't sleep. 

Anyways, I love you. I wanna do more things with you. Kinky things. Just kidding.... Or am I? But seriously, I think we should pick out a DIY project and do it together, I think it would be nice to build something that will last and something we can remember on. That's all. I love you. 

So many...

I'm watching a tv show and it made me think about us. 

I have so many emotions going on that I can't tell if I'm happy or sad or both. I was so excited that summer was coming and that I'd finally get to see you but we've barely seen each other since you've been back. Maybe a few hours at most. 

I want to cry because I feel like we won't ever have time. 

I need you. 

Yours to hold

Well, it's five in the morning of May 9th, my last day at college before summer break. It seems my body wants me to be drained as possible for my last final. Lying in the my dorm bed, for the last time, I can't help but feel some sort twisted nostalgic melancholy over the place. Failing my attempts to find a position to fall asleep, I turned to music. Segway. 

Remember that night before I went to college. We were lying in your bed and we just talking and trying to salvage whatever we could before I would be permanately three hours away. And I sang you that one song, Yours to hold. And you started crying. Well, I'm listening to it right now, and I love you. 

I miss you

You were on my mind. All day I was thinking about where you were and how you were doing. I felt empty when we couldn't talk. I truly did miss you. 

I can't wait for this semester to be over. This whole sorority process has made me rethink everything. I've found myself and I like who I am. I'm still insecure but I'm not the girl who sat back in high school and didn't talk. I'm still quiet and I try not to be, but sometimes I can't help it. Some of my future sisters have boyfriends of their own and I'm jealous. I know I have you but I don't have you here with me. I want to hug you everyday. I want to wake it to your smiling face. I want to be there for you when your grades get bad or if you didn't get the job you wanted. I want to be happy with you. I miss you. 

Will we get the chance to move in together? 

-Alisha 

Hey

Hey. I love you. 

-Chris

Just Stuff

So I managed to lock myself out of my room.

I didn't want to go through the rent-a-key process, so I figured I would go to the computer lab and dick around until my RA woke up. I decided I would write myself a little motivational speech to put on my desk. I would like your thoughts on it.

Life is unfair.

God doesn't exist.

You're going to die.

Love is a myth.

Movies aren't reality.

The grass on this side of the hill is just as shitty as on the other side.

And there's no pot of gold at the end of the fucking rainbow.

You think you're entitled to a happy life with a nice car and a comfy house and a reasonable income? Get in line, everyone thinks that. You don't deserve anything. Stop thinking that you do. You don't even deserve the average. And if you're ok with getting the average, then you should just end it right now. Average isn't something to be happy about. It's not what you want to aim for. Average is the punishment. Your parents didn't work their ass off so you could give an average effort, and earn an average amount of happiness. You need to realize what's in front of you because it's important; it's your life. Every time you take shortcuts, decide you don't care, give up, or give little to no effort, you're saying your life might as well not be worth it. And it isn't, at least from what you've done up to this point. Be different. Give the extra effort. Don't settle for ok. Don't push things back. Act like your life is worth it. BEAT THE CURVE.

Is it depressing? Yes. Cynical? Sure. A little reaching? Kinda. Nihilistic? Oh definitely. True?Without a doubt. Does it make me want to get up and do something? Yes.

-Chris

It's around 7 in the morning.

It's around 7 in the morning, and I love you. No, I haven't slept yet. I haven't slept yet because that's what cynical wannabe, know-it-all, chubby hipsters do. It is spring break and I can do what I want. And what I want to do is stay up all night and watch youtube videos that offer dimestore knowledge...

It's around 7 in the morning, and I love you. Spring break has been fun and it has been fast. I wish I could stay longer in this stress-free time of sloth and gluttony, but unfornuately reality is calling. It's time for secure sleep schedules and homework and watching what I eat...

It's around 7 in the morning, and I love you. The more I think about going back to Purdue, I think about my life and its uncertainty. I've always thought I had it figured out, that I knew exactly what I wanted to be, but humans' greatest trick is fooling themselves. I don't know if Biochemistry is exactly what's right for me, I guess I'll learn that in time. But I do know that...

It's around 7 in the morning, and I love you.  

How are you?

Hey Chris,

It's one a.m. right now and I was wondering how you were doing. I've been thinking about how hard college is, and how I don't know how I'm going to make it through this semester. I have homework I have to give my self in order to make it work. This spring break is going to be the busiest break I have ever had. I hope yours won't be like mine. Will you come to see me then? Maybe you could meet some of my new friends, and see how I've changed. I want to know how you've changed while you were gone. 

I love you 

-Alisha